Today is another day me and Ilona separate for a while. Me, Nata and Jay are going to the Caspian see while she is staying here with Theo, the cylist who is coming tomorrow. We met Theo in Tabriz, he really is a cool guy. But before that, rebellon time!
Welcome to our appartment in Tehran and fuck the government! We are having an underground party. We are all excited, if we invite iranians to our appartment in Tehran does that mean that we are living like Iranians? Of course you can't say that but I would dare to say that considering the short period of time that we are still here we are as close to iranian life as we can get.
We get shopping, we get to know our neighbours, the girls have a place for their hijab, we are trying to cook our food with the weird ingredients; Tehran isn't a far exotic place anymore.
Ali and Lada are going to come. I also called Mahan, he is coming with a girl from the rainbow. I wonder who that is. Nata is inviting Shaian, a guy from a previous rainbow.
First comes Mahan and Gazelle. Her name is really pronouced Gazelle, seriously. That's so cool.
Mahan is high as usual but in a better shape than Armenia. This guy is so sensitive, he senses everyone and everything around him, stuff people can't even comprehend. It doesn't even matter that he doesn't speak good english, he just senses what you think.
"Heeyy! I was in the Jungle for two days!", he says as a greeting
"The jungle? What do you mean?"
"Yeaaah... LSD!"
As funny as it sounds you just feel the seriousness and emotion Mahan puts into his drug-altered reality and it is just hypnotising. I think people can see Mahan's heart as clearly as if his chest was open.
He and Jay start smoking joints. Mahan gives me one too, I don't take more than three pufs. "Iranian weeeeed, gooood", says Mahan. It's so funny each time he talks, funny and hypnotizing at the same time.
Gazelle also is an interesting person. She is easy going, sensitive but there is something about her, almost supernatural. Like she talks to the wind or something. I like talking to her.
Nata is annoyed by the smoke. She has a point; Ali and Lada are coming, this is not the time to get high, we should try to appear in some good light, this is respect. But today I don't care. Everything is falling apart. I didn't climb Damavand. Nata will be leaving in a few days, she will stay longer than us in Iran, maybe continue to Turkey. I worry about her a little. But most of all, deep down, I feel that I will never see her again.
We met by such a coincidence that a rational encounter would never work. Motives on my friendship bracelets and memories, that is what will be left of her. "Never mind I'll find someone like you". No, I won't and Adele is wrong. I will meet lots of amazing people but no other red haired russian annoying alpinist princess from the rainbow. That should be obvious for Adele and it is obvious for me.
Either way, I start getting really high. I can't understand it. I never smoked anything like that. So strong. My mind isn't that simplified as with french weed but people are approaching into a shining circle in front of my face when I talk to them.
Jon, Emran and some other people came and I said hello. I was still well enough to say hello but I was getting even more high, I already knew it would be too much. Jon talked to me about Damavand, he wants to climb. That sucks, why the hell am I so high now? I got into that state because of Damavand and now I will climb it anyway? I don't seem to make much sense but Jon keeps the conversation with me. He appears in an aura of shiny light. He takes my whole field of vision and he vanishes as soon as he walks away.
"Good weed aaay?", says Mahan
I must agree, this weed is the fucking bomb. Fuck Amsterdam and France, buy your wine in Georgia and your weed here. But for me, it is just too strong. That kind of stuff would have stoned even Petra from croatia. Mahan smoked three joints of that stuff and he's reasonably high but fine.
I'm starting to get scared, the information is overwhelming me. Too many people talking. If I was in a circle of weed smokers it would have been fine but as Nata said, this is a get-together party.
There is also a woman who I have never seen and I wonder if she is real. First, I talk with her in Polish because I have the impression that she is Polish. Then I stop because maybe she doesn't exist. I try to avoid the conversations.
I am in Iran, my family is far, my friends are far, Orianne is away with other problems, my cousin is somewhere in America beyond all reach. And where is Claire? Who can I rely on? I realize that I know Ilona only for three months, even a little less. She's such a different mind. We don't have any kind of attraction like I thought we had with Nata, she is a distant person in general so what is our connection?
And then I remember. She is my sister. Hey sis! I'm screwed up, will you help me? I am not so sure of the answer, I use to joke that Ilona doesn't have the slightest idea about psychology and handling feelings of others. I stopped trusting Ilona on the medical side the moment when she left me alone with my evil tick I could get encephalitis from. Sarrkiss had then operated me with a needle.
"Men travelling with doctors are such pussies!", she had told me. She was right but she forgot that people turn into pussies precisely because their feelings are not acknowledged.
But then, maybe, Ilona was a stranger. She takes time to adapt; to tame. I, especially should understand that. Today she helps me. Now, I can just let go. I take her by the arm as the last gesture that makes sense and she accompanies me to a dark room. This is better. My mind stops to be overloaded. I can relax. I am so glad that we never tried to have a romantic relationship with Ilona, I am so glad we never tried to sleep together. She is actually the only girl in the world, in the past, present and future about whom I can say that. Now I can feel safe because of all these things.
I am still overwhelmed and afraid at times but Ilona comes to visit me.
"I am afraid of everyone but you". I just hope anybody else doesn't come.
And then there is another presence, she brings me sweets. "You need sugar". She's in pink and flowers and she dissapears into the wind. I think I imagined her like that polish woman. But the sweets are in my hand so it wasn't a hallucination. You cannot truly hallucinate under weed anyway.
Ilona tells me it wasn't her, it must be someone else. And she comes again, several times; it is Gazelle.
Very weirdly, I still feel safe. I am not afraid of Gazelle. She seems to be one with the wind. She dissapears in the wind. I am not afraid of the wind, not when it's no more than a breeze.
Mahan also comes. I am not afraid of him either. He has a pretty clear idea what is going on. He's very caring, he brings me food. It tastes wonderfully.
And then Gazelle says that I should feel allright. Same healing philosophy as when Nata told me to decide to stop being sick and I stopped being sick.
So I went back to the party. People were happy and talking to each other, it was great. Even Ilona and Nata were getting along fine. I wondered if I wasn't the bad seed in this whole lot after all.
If so is the case, maybe I shouldn't go to the Caspian see. I have kind of given my word to Nata but on the other hand it is my philosophy not to interfere into relations, especially those that I don't believe in.
"Don't go to the Caspian see, just stay in Tehran", syas Gazelle.
I'll think about it. "Don't think about it, just do it!". This became Gazelle's symbolic sentence we used with Ilona over and over again.
And with the drug-induced mystery around Gazelle that simple sentence had an unusually powerful effect. I just decided that I am not going with Nata tomorrow. We will say goodbye tomorrow morning.
But why the sad face: we had just organised an underground party in Iran! Whatever dude, I am still so high I have to go to sleep. I am just so grateful that there are people like Ilona, Gazelle and even Mahan in the world.
Welcome to our appartment in Tehran and fuck the government! We are having an underground party. We are all excited, if we invite iranians to our appartment in Tehran does that mean that we are living like Iranians? Of course you can't say that but I would dare to say that considering the short period of time that we are still here we are as close to iranian life as we can get.
We get shopping, we get to know our neighbours, the girls have a place for their hijab, we are trying to cook our food with the weird ingredients; Tehran isn't a far exotic place anymore.
Ali and Lada are going to come. I also called Mahan, he is coming with a girl from the rainbow. I wonder who that is. Nata is inviting Shaian, a guy from a previous rainbow.
First comes Mahan and Gazelle. Her name is really pronouced Gazelle, seriously. That's so cool.
Mahan is high as usual but in a better shape than Armenia. This guy is so sensitive, he senses everyone and everything around him, stuff people can't even comprehend. It doesn't even matter that he doesn't speak good english, he just senses what you think.
"Heeyy! I was in the Jungle for two days!", he says as a greeting
"The jungle? What do you mean?"
"Yeaaah... LSD!"
As funny as it sounds you just feel the seriousness and emotion Mahan puts into his drug-altered reality and it is just hypnotising. I think people can see Mahan's heart as clearly as if his chest was open.
He and Jay start smoking joints. Mahan gives me one too, I don't take more than three pufs. "Iranian weeeeed, gooood", says Mahan. It's so funny each time he talks, funny and hypnotizing at the same time.
Gazelle also is an interesting person. She is easy going, sensitive but there is something about her, almost supernatural. Like she talks to the wind or something. I like talking to her.
Nata is annoyed by the smoke. She has a point; Ali and Lada are coming, this is not the time to get high, we should try to appear in some good light, this is respect. But today I don't care. Everything is falling apart. I didn't climb Damavand. Nata will be leaving in a few days, she will stay longer than us in Iran, maybe continue to Turkey. I worry about her a little. But most of all, deep down, I feel that I will never see her again.
We met by such a coincidence that a rational encounter would never work. Motives on my friendship bracelets and memories, that is what will be left of her. "Never mind I'll find someone like you". No, I won't and Adele is wrong. I will meet lots of amazing people but no other red haired russian annoying alpinist princess from the rainbow. That should be obvious for Adele and it is obvious for me.
Either way, I start getting really high. I can't understand it. I never smoked anything like that. So strong. My mind isn't that simplified as with french weed but people are approaching into a shining circle in front of my face when I talk to them.
Jon, Emran and some other people came and I said hello. I was still well enough to say hello but I was getting even more high, I already knew it would be too much. Jon talked to me about Damavand, he wants to climb. That sucks, why the hell am I so high now? I got into that state because of Damavand and now I will climb it anyway? I don't seem to make much sense but Jon keeps the conversation with me. He appears in an aura of shiny light. He takes my whole field of vision and he vanishes as soon as he walks away.
"Good weed aaay?", says Mahan
I must agree, this weed is the fucking bomb. Fuck Amsterdam and France, buy your wine in Georgia and your weed here. But for me, it is just too strong. That kind of stuff would have stoned even Petra from croatia. Mahan smoked three joints of that stuff and he's reasonably high but fine.
I'm starting to get scared, the information is overwhelming me. Too many people talking. If I was in a circle of weed smokers it would have been fine but as Nata said, this is a get-together party.
There is also a woman who I have never seen and I wonder if she is real. First, I talk with her in Polish because I have the impression that she is Polish. Then I stop because maybe she doesn't exist. I try to avoid the conversations.
I am in Iran, my family is far, my friends are far, Orianne is away with other problems, my cousin is somewhere in America beyond all reach. And where is Claire? Who can I rely on? I realize that I know Ilona only for three months, even a little less. She's such a different mind. We don't have any kind of attraction like I thought we had with Nata, she is a distant person in general so what is our connection?
And then I remember. She is my sister. Hey sis! I'm screwed up, will you help me? I am not so sure of the answer, I use to joke that Ilona doesn't have the slightest idea about psychology and handling feelings of others. I stopped trusting Ilona on the medical side the moment when she left me alone with my evil tick I could get encephalitis from. Sarrkiss had then operated me with a needle.
"Men travelling with doctors are such pussies!", she had told me. She was right but she forgot that people turn into pussies precisely because their feelings are not acknowledged.
But then, maybe, Ilona was a stranger. She takes time to adapt; to tame. I, especially should understand that. Today she helps me. Now, I can just let go. I take her by the arm as the last gesture that makes sense and she accompanies me to a dark room. This is better. My mind stops to be overloaded. I can relax. I am so glad that we never tried to have a romantic relationship with Ilona, I am so glad we never tried to sleep together. She is actually the only girl in the world, in the past, present and future about whom I can say that. Now I can feel safe because of all these things.
I am still overwhelmed and afraid at times but Ilona comes to visit me.
"I am afraid of everyone but you". I just hope anybody else doesn't come.
And then there is another presence, she brings me sweets. "You need sugar". She's in pink and flowers and she dissapears into the wind. I think I imagined her like that polish woman. But the sweets are in my hand so it wasn't a hallucination. You cannot truly hallucinate under weed anyway.
Ilona tells me it wasn't her, it must be someone else. And she comes again, several times; it is Gazelle.
Very weirdly, I still feel safe. I am not afraid of Gazelle. She seems to be one with the wind. She dissapears in the wind. I am not afraid of the wind, not when it's no more than a breeze.
Mahan also comes. I am not afraid of him either. He has a pretty clear idea what is going on. He's very caring, he brings me food. It tastes wonderfully.
And then Gazelle says that I should feel allright. Same healing philosophy as when Nata told me to decide to stop being sick and I stopped being sick.
So I went back to the party. People were happy and talking to each other, it was great. Even Ilona and Nata were getting along fine. I wondered if I wasn't the bad seed in this whole lot after all.
If so is the case, maybe I shouldn't go to the Caspian see. I have kind of given my word to Nata but on the other hand it is my philosophy not to interfere into relations, especially those that I don't believe in.
"Don't go to the Caspian see, just stay in Tehran", syas Gazelle.
I'll think about it. "Don't think about it, just do it!". This became Gazelle's symbolic sentence we used with Ilona over and over again.
And with the drug-induced mystery around Gazelle that simple sentence had an unusually powerful effect. I just decided that I am not going with Nata tomorrow. We will say goodbye tomorrow morning.
But why the sad face: we had just organised an underground party in Iran! Whatever dude, I am still so high I have to go to sleep. I am just so grateful that there are people like Ilona, Gazelle and even Mahan in the world.
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| And smile for the group photo! |
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